EmoSneasel's Football Page

My experiences at a football game. I’ll be the first to admit I am not a large football fan. However the sport does hold some interest to my father, and thus as is ever loving son I must always mirror this trivial fascination with men running straight at each other wearing heavy padding and jockstraps. My Dad has always been an avid fan of the Buffalo Bills, when he found out the Bills would be having home games in Toronto I was afraid he would have a heart attack. Naturally he bought two tickets for every game for the season, at some menial discount price. Now I have seen two of these games and thus I believe that I now have more than enough experience in labeling the type of people who attend these events. They are listed as follows.

The Drunk: The first and can often be the worst this man will use any excuse to buy a drink for himself. Touchdown, yes. Interception, yes. Time-out, yes even that. The loving enthusiast you thought he was will quickly turn into a bumbling half-conscious buffoon by the start of the 2nd quarter. At some point in the halftime show he will get up to go to the washroom, and I can only assume he takes the most massive urination that is possible because he is not seen for another 30-45 minutes. In total he probably bought about $80 worth of beer that in reality should cost about $27.

The Boyfriend Girlfriend: Rarely seen apart, one will always be cheering for the team and be totally immersed in the game, while the other will probably be texting and complaining about the lack of healthy food choices. Oh and the two can be either role, it does happen.

Hooligan: This guy will yell at the opponents quarterback, it seems to be the only reason he bought tickets for the game. General annoyance.

Hooligans: Oh Lord, these guys will feed off each other, and it can only get worse when they pull of their tops to reveal some sort of team name or symbol painted on their chest. They are always sitting right next to each other.

The Opponents Hooligan: He somehow got to the game despite the probably long drive, or perhaps he doesn’t support the local team and happens to like the other. This hooligan will insult the home teams hooligans at any chance he gets. He likely has a death wish.

The Opponents Hooligans: If sitting near the home team hooligans expect somebody to get kicked out by half-time. I phone/Blackberry Guy: He records the Hooligans brawl, probably find it more fun than the game.

The Girl Gang: A group of three girls who seem to have no real interest in the game. The leave to get food at half-time and mysteriously never come back.

The Seat Kicking Kid: Likely sitting behind you, if the parents get embarrassed easily they will leave once you become notably irritable. He probably put his Cotton Candy up his nose instead of in his mouth, which is why he is bouncing around so much.

The Fat Guy: Always sitting beside you, he bought one seat but needs two. You will develop personal space issues after the game and you become incredibly relieved when he gets up to go to the bathroom.

The “Well Now It’s Really Hopeless” Guy: Will stay until the end of the game, but once it obvious there is no hope for his losing team he will leave to get out easier.

The “Why Are the Prices On This #!*& So Much?” Guy: Will complain about popcorn prices, but will buy it anyways.

The Senoir: Remembers a time when his loser team was actually decent. He just sits and watches the game.

The Guy on the Opposing Team Who Wins A Big Screen TV: The one you hope gets run over in downtown traffic.

The EmoSneasel: “Man the only way I will benefit from this crap game is if I write something funny about it.”